Over the past few months I have shared a bit of my personal battle with depression and suicide. Sharing this was not easy and the decision to share was not taken lightly. It is my humble and most earnest prayer that if you find yourself suffering from depression that you will be encouraged three-fold by my story.
- First, encouraged to SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. (Suicide hotline is available 24 hours a day 800-273-8255)
- Second, encouraged to TALK about what you are experiencing. (Satan LOVES secrets)
- Finally, encouraged to NOT GIVE UP.
I believe that every piece of this journey has been important and necessary. I am eternally grateful for my medication, counseling, and hospital stay. These things treated me physically, but recently God drew me back to Himself, and THAT is when I became whole.
In two battles with cancer, God allowed me the distinct privilege of sharing the love of Christ with people I would not have come in contact with had I not been a cancer patient. I will not bore you with all the skeletons in my closet, but I will say with complete confidence that GOD has used every terrible, earth shaking, crippling event in my life for His good. God can (and does) use a valley I’ve traveled to be the very thing that opens the door for a conversation about the love of Christ with someone. This has turned my greatest hurts into treasures… only God could make that happen.
Romans 8:28 says that GOD works ALL things (not just good things) together for the good of those who LOVE HIM (that’s me), who have been called according to HIS purpose (also me).
If I believe God’s Word to be true, then I MUST believe that God will use my suicide attempt for my GOOD.
MY good…not just someone else’s….Mine.
What in the WORLD could POSSIBLY be good about a suicide attempt (other than using it to convince others to NOT do it)? How on EARTH could that work together with ANYTHING to be for my GOOD?
Oh, Honey, Let me tell you.
Through all this…mess, God gave me the one thing I needed more than anything else –the one thing that only HE could give me:
God allowed me to drift so far from His side that I could not feel His presence.
He allowed me to fall. He allowed all the things I trust in to fail me. He allowed pain so great that my only desire was to end my life. He allowed Satan to deceive me. He allowed darkness to steal my breath.
He did NOT allow me to take my life; I’m still here.
God will allow terrible things out of His undying and overpowering love for us because He KNOWS that our greatest need is HIM.
I forgot how it feels to FEEL God’s presence, to KNOW that He will absolutely NEVER leave me or forsake me, to TRUST Him with every breath I take. I forgot. I just forgot. I forgot how much I need Him. He has been a constant in my life for so long… I FORGOT how desperately I NEED Him.
Oh… forgive me.
Out of His LOVE for me, He allowed me to go through the deepest, darkest valley I can imagine. He allowed me to feel the ache in my soul that comes from being distant from Him. He allowed me to feel His absence so that I would REMEMBER how much I LOVE Him, how much I NEED Him, and ONLY Him.
And, when I finally asked Him to save me from the darkness that was drowning me…
It is my prayer that, should you find yourself drowning in darkness, you will seek out PROFESSIONAL help, that you will choose life, and that you will call on the lover of your soul to rescue you.
Pray with me?
Forgive me. Forgive me for losing sight of you. Forgive me for forgetting the lengths you have gone to in order to save my soul. Help me, Lord. Help me out of this darkness that wants to engulf me. Save me from… myself. Help me to hear your voice above the voice of the enemy who only seeks to steal kill and destroy my soul. Lead me to counselors and doctors who will follow your guidance. I trust you, but I am hurting, Lord, and I don’t see an end to this pain. Please come to me and make me whole. Heal my brokenness. I know you are able. I will keep my eyes on you and trust that you will lead me out of this valley.
Much love and big, big hugs…