Everyone thinks that suicide is such a terrible thing.
Honestly, where I am now is so much worse. It’s more than I can describe. I’m NOT going to kill myself. I took that option off the table, and that’s what everyone seems to be so worried about, but I feel like I am going to crumble to pieces at any moment. It’s like I am barely holding it together and if anyone touches me I will literally break into a million pieces. I feel so FRAGILE. I feel like I can’t be depended on, like I can’t carry my weight in things, like I am not meeting expectations. I feel like I am letting people down because I can’t get my act together. I fight back tears constantly and I am afraid if I ever let that dam open, I may not stop crying…ever. I don’t want to FEEL this way. I don’t want to have to keep TELLING myself, “Just get through today.”
(excerpt from my personal blog)
Perhaps you’re sitting in the dark, trying to find the light again. Perhaps you’re struggling through each day, putting on a smile to hide the darkness that wants to swallow you whole. If so, I’m glad you’re here. Please, sit with me a while.
I’ve spent the past months trying desperately to soothe the ache in my soul that brought me to this dark place. I’ve been hospitalized twice, prescribed medication, and been through hours upon hours of counseling, where I’ve tried to “connect with myself” and “soothe my inner child.”
In the midst of all this, Psalm 139 will not leave my mind. As I ponder its promises, I’m reminded of the beginning of my walk with my Savior and the deliverance and healing that I found in Him. I’m reminded of battles God fought for me (Exodus 14:14) and valleys Christ walked me through (Psalm 23:4). Over and over again, I am reminded of the many ways God proves Himself faithful to the promises in His Word.
Please remember that the road to healing is a journey. Be patient. God is using all the pieces along the way to make you whole again. Every piece has a purpose. God uses ALL things together for the GOOD of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) and the things Satan means to harm you, God can use for good (Genesis 50:20).
In July of this year, I tried to end my life. It left me questioning everything I thought I knew to be true. Things that were once clearly black and white shattered into varying shades of gray with the swipe of a razor blade. My journey to healing has been dark and long…and lonely…
Today I have hope, and I offer that hope to you, dear Reader.
Pray with me?