When Feelings Scream Louder than Facts

This a sensitive topic that NEEDS to be discussed. If you find yourself struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, there are resources to help including the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255).

You are not alone in your struggle.

I don’t usually write from the valley. It is easier to write from the mountaintop, but that’s not where I am today. I’m in the valley. I don’t know how long the path through this valley is, nor how dark it will get. So, I’ll just write from here.

Please, come sit with me in the dark.

On July 19th I tried to kill myself. There’s really no easy way to say that; no way to make it less offensive or shocking. This wasn’t a cry for help or a plea for attention. I fully intended to end my life.

You may wonder,  “How can a Christian commit suicide?”

A Christian can become suicidal when feelings scream louder than facts.

A Christian can feel hopelessness, despair, uncertainty, fear, and self loathing just like anyone else.

A Christian can feel discouraged, empty and alone.

Being a Christian does not give a person super-powered immunity to the feelings that life’s circumstances (and poor choices) bring with them.  Feelings are fickle, deceitful, and unreliable. They are demanding and strong and loud. Most importantly, they are easily manipulated by the enemy of our souls.

As a Christian, I  know that Jesus died for all my sin; I need not feel shame or guilt for the many ways I have fallen short of the Glory of God. I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord; that Jesus came to give life and give it more abundantly; and that  God does not give me a spirit of fear.  As a Christian, I know God will never leave me or forsake me. As a Christian, I absolutely positively without a shadow of a doubt know that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. As a Christian I also know that in this world I will have trouble…but that I can find strength and hope in the fact that Jesus has overcome the world. These are facts from the Word of God that I base my life on.

A Christian can become suicidal when feelings scream louder than facts.

That’s exactly what happened to me and I’m still torn between what I know to be true (I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Creator of the Universe; that Jesus died to pay the penalty for my sin and rose again so that I can spend eternity in heaven) and what I feel (I am worthless and the people I love would be better off without me). I am struggling every day to give less voice to my feelings and more to what I know to be true of myself in relationship to Jesus Christ.

Thank you for sitting with me here in this dark place for a moment. It is difficult to be transparent about where I am right now, but my greatest fear and concern is that there are others whose feelings are screaming so loudly that the the truth of God’s love for them is being drowned out. If you are in a place where you think that suicide is the only option you have to stop the pain you are in, please seek professional help.

The National Suicide Hotline is  1-800-273-8255. It is available 24 hours a day.  Suicide is NOT the answer.
There is nothing worth killing yourself over, no matter what your feelings tell you.

Pray with me?

Father God,

Thank you for the gift of your Word and for all the promises contained in it. When the enemy tries to manipulate us and use our feelings to make us feel hopeless and helpless, please draw us to the truths found in Scripture. Help us to remember that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, that you have a plan and a purpose in all things, and that you work all things together for the good of those who love you. Help us to find our hope in You and you alone Lord. Thank you for promising to never leave or forsake us…even when we are in the valley.

Amen

Kris Williams

Kris is a pastor’s wife and working mom of 2 who is passionate about sharing the love of Christ with the women He puts in her path. She says that she is “living, breathing, walking, talking proof that God is very much in the business of radically changing lives.” She will tell you that God completely changed everything about her when she met Jesus Christ. Like many women, she spent most of her life looking for “something” to make her feel secure, fill the emptiness in her heart, and give her life meaning and purpose and she tried lots of “somethings” before embracing the One who would finally quiet her restless soul. Her life is a story of redemption, healing, and restoration and she believes everyone she meets should have the opportunity to meet Christ and choose whether or not to follow Him. She battled Laryngeal cancer in 2009 and again in 2011. While she does not wish to travel that valley a 3rd time, she sees her cancer journey as a gift because it taught her to completely trust and fully lean on Christ. While unable to speak, she discovered the gift of writing and with it an entirely new way to share her love for Christ. Today, she is completely healed and, while she regained the use of her voice, still very much enjoys sharing her love for Christ (and His love for us) through written word.

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8 Comments

  1. Yes! I know that valley well. It is dark and scary and hopeless but I have learned I must not hide in the shadows because then I begin to think the shadows are real. As absolutely difficult as it might be, I know I have to reach out and let someone know where I am. Speaking (or writing) it out loud takes away the power the darkness pretends to have. I hope that makes sense. I have begun to allow myself to write in the darkness, to be honest in my prayer journal and cry out to God exactly where I am and just as you’ve done, proclaim those truths wether or not I feel them. God IS good and He IS always there even in that awful valley. God bless you!

    Reply
  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Amy! I am so sorry that you’ve traveled this valley. Yes, it is SO hard. I love this thought “Speaking (or writing) it out loud takes away the power the darkness pretends to have.” YES! That makes absolute sense and is SOOO very true!!!! The darkness has no real power. Satan’s power is in deception and manipulation.
    Praying for you and I certainly covet your prayers as well!
    Much love and BIG hugs!
    K

    Reply
    • As a parent one expects to put bandages on skinned elbows and knees and to wipe away tears of frustration or rejection, that comes with the job. Lots of hugs are also required in the journey of raising another human being to adulthood. When a child is born the parent is not given a book of instructions on how to go about being a good parent. A parent draws from what they have experienced as a child and what they have learned along the road to their own place as an adult. To sit back and watch your adult child suffer, whether physically or emotionally, is the hardest thing in the world. My first born is suffering and I don’t have a bandage big enough to cover her wounded spirit and heart. Please pray for her because she is so worth it.

      Reply
      • God will fix it mom. Really. Eventually this will be another layer to my (our) testimony. Today it hurts and seems hopeless, but I know that God will use this just as He has used everything else in my life.
        If only a bandage would fix it…wouldn’t that be great!
        Love you so much,
        K

        Reply
      • One day I was crying out to God in my darkness. I was asking how I could possibly be a witness to unbelievers when I felt consumed by the darkness. God reminded me I am NOT consumed and by simply continuing on, even in the dark, I was bringing honor to Him. Romans 8:28. Even these valleys can be used for His good! God bless your Momma heart as you love your child through the valley!!

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    • Surely am praying for you as well! God bless you richly!!

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  3. Thank you for sharing this! So so important that Christians see and understand what to be written!

    Reply
    • Thank you Jenny. I have been overwhelmed by the encouragement I have received since sharing my story. It breaks my heart that others are traveling this same road. I sincerely hope that this can open the door for others who are struggling with depression and suicide to talk about and seek help for what they are going through. It is such a taboo subject, and shouldn’t be. If someone is diagnosed with diabetes or cancer, they get the meds and the help and support they need to survive. No one would try to just “get over it.” The same should be true for depression and suicide. This is not something anyone can battle alone.
      Thank you again for your kind words.

      Reply

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