Living in the Tension

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Tension: 

The state of being stretched tight or mental or emotional strain.

That definition sums up what I feel about my life most days; a constant state of being stretched beyond what I feel like is humanly possible.

As a wife, I live in the tension of being the best spouse possible by meeting my husbands needs without losing myself in the process.

As a mother, I live in the tension of loving these little people so fiercely that I want to protect them from harm at all costs and knowing that my job is to prepare them to live in this broken world, where they are almost guaranteed to feel pain.

As a Christian, I live in the tension of walking out what I say I believe on a daily basis. As a friend, I live in the tension of finding time to nourish friendships with a schedule that is borderline chaotic.

As a woman, I live in the tension of finding the time to tend to my body, soul, & spirit without feeling guilty.

As a student of life, I live in the tension of questioning what and why I believe what I believe about God, people, relationships & myself, while being open (and teachable) to new information.

I am constantly being stretched…but it is in the tension of the stretching that I find myself.

I love being a wife. My husband is amazing. We spend a lot of time and energy taking care of each others needs spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

This is our relationship today…

In the past our relationship has been extremely unhealthy.

We have overcome so much; betrayal, resentment, anger, bitterness, competing with each other; you name it we have overcame it.

Today, I find myself living in the tension of accepting our past through healthy acknowledgment and healing recognizing who we were and who we are while looking ahead to the future. The enemy tries to get me to live in the past and entertain unhealthy thoughts of who we were, while never allowing ourselves to move forward. It is also unhealthy to ignore the past or compartmentalize unhealthy feelings.

Therein lies the tension; being able to recognize our growth, look to the future, and while not being afraid to examine places that are still tender. I need to be able to see myself, my growth, and know who I am apart from my husband, while at the same time I need to be able to look at him and see his growth, and know who he is apart from me.

I love being a mother, but there is so much tension in parenting!

These little people are the most amazing thing you can ever imagine and we have such a short time to impart all they need. Our flesh wants to protect them, fight for them, make their lives as easy as possible, but that isn’t raising them to be able to navigate through life. I find myself living in the tension of wanting desperately to protect my children from ever feeling pain, but needing to teach them how to acknowledge and deal with their pain in healthy ways. I stay in the tension of wanting my kids to live their dreams, to follow their hearts and live the life that will allow them to feel fully alive but at the same time wanting them to stay near me (and safe). The tension keeps me searching my heart for whats best for them not just what feels good to me!

Christianity is a journey of embracing the tension.

I am constantly being confronted with the tension from what I feel in my heart and what I know in my mind. I have a belief system that I live by but from time to time that belief system and my heart are not in alignment. Sometimes my heart reveals judgment that needs to be dealt with in order for me to be able to live in alignment with what I believe. Other times, my belief system needs to be adjusted because the compassion and love I feel in my heart reveals a mindset that needs to be renewed. I must embrace the tension.

As a friend I find myself in constant tension.

Because of the demands on my time I have to be intentional to connect with people. I have to put in the time it takes to nourish friendships. I also have to value connections more than “being right.” I have many friends with different points of view; points of view I value and learn from, but also disagree with.

As a woman I walk in the tension daily of making time to tend to my mind, body, soul, & spirit.

I haven’t always lived this way and it is a constant battle for me to make the time for myself. I had to go on a journey to find the things that are life giving to me; things that would nourish my mind, my body, my spirit, and my soul. The days of sacrificing my self and running on empty are thankfully over; I have found the beautiful balance that I have found from taking the time I need for myself.

As a student of life I have learned to embrace the tension so that I can learn and grow.

I love to challenge myself. Learning is a high priority in my life. If I don’t remain teachable I find myself at risk at getting stuck in old ways, old mindsets. I devour podcasts, I am usually juggling several different books, but most importantly I learn from life experiences and through relationships. People that think differently from me does not scare me… in fact it’s quiet the opposite.

I pray that my words help empower you to embrace YOUR areas tension and find yourself in the stretching.

 

1 Comment

  1. This truly breathed into me. Thank you for sharing your heart so vulnerably. Thank you for giving me hope- I am not alone in this journey and I am being stretched, finding myself, and learning more and more how to lean heavily on the LORD. And he does not mind one bit.

    Reply

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