The big three.
Alcohol addiction, pornography addiction, and rage, these three are the destructive sins in marriage that I see women deal with the most.
I have been writing and researching areas of conflict in marriage now for over five years and I’m increasingly alarmed at the sheer number of women who are dealing with a spouse who is ensnared in one or more of these issues.
As you know, marriage takes a good amount of old-fashioned work, compromise, patience, forgiveness, and a host of 
other self-sacrificing ideals to thrive. And even with a mature spouse and all the components of 1 Corinthians 13 love in some sort of practice, marriage can be challenging.
With one of the “Top Three” added to a marriage, it’s flat out grueling.
Now you may be reading this article right now and are about to tune out. But, stay just a little longer. Because if you are not dealing with one of these issues, I can promise you this, someone you know is. And, you would be surprised to learn that if you looked out over your congregation in church, there are many women seated there now who are living, day-in and day-out with one of these issues. This is my approximation and only mine but through my experience, I estimate a little less than half, have or are currently, dealing with something severe in their marriage.
In the years I have worked with and prayed for women in this situation, what is difficult for many of them/you is the confusion. Discerning if there is indeed, a problem is the first step. If you suspect there is a problem, you are likely correct.
Second, coming to grip with this fact is earth shattering. The truth that our spouse is in a bad place will completely rock a woman’s world and to make things worse, we are absolutely baffled over what to do about it.
Third, we are ashamed. Especially if we are a believer and our husband is as well.
What I’ve discovered in my experience is women don’t know what to do. Many times I talk with women who are enduring rage/mental-illness, their spouse’s drinking, and/or an online pornography habit. They ask themselves this question, “Is it really a problem and should I do something?” They grapple with this for months, even years.
I almost think we need permission to say our husband has a problem that can’t be easily prayed away or fixed by ourselves. We need to know that God NEVER wants a woman to live in a marriage where there is abuse by a spouse.
I’m writing this post today to tell someone who needs to hear, that God loves you and sees the tears.
I’m writing this post today to say that God also loves marriage. He never wants to see a marriage end. It is in and through marriage that we learn what rich, relationship living is all about. But, we also live in a broken and wicked world where satan has his hold on some men’s lives. This can certainly be true in an unequally yoked marriage.
It is good and right to want to preserve our marriage. But it is even better and right to help our marriage through wise counsel and some tough love for a spouse who is caught in the snare of the top three.
If you find yourself there today, first I ask you to stop and pray. Ask God for courage to face what is ahead and ask Him to open the doors for you to bring healing to your spouse and to your marriage.
Secondly, take steps to be safe. If you need assistance to discover what those steps are, such as moving out of harm’s way or finding help with alcoholism and pornography, start here. Educate yourself, seek wise counsel, Christian counsel. There is a time when separation is necessary. Do not be confused by that. I will insert here that divorce is not the answer but always pursue reconciliation with the caveat of healthy emotional, marital habits by both spouses.
My heart breaks over the brokenness of mankind and how that finds its way into marriages. But let me share with you one thing that is bigger than the big three.
We serve GOD ALMIGHTY, He is able and anxiously waiting to bring miracles to His children. He and His son, Jesus, can heal men and women from alcohol, pornography, infidelity, mental illness, and every other problem known to humanity. So you do your part, pray, educate yourself, take steps to be safe and to bring healing to you, your spouse, your marriage and then watch what God can do in the lives of the broken and ordinary.
Hugs, Lynn
Thank you for the way you chose to write about such a hard thing. I receive many devotional type newsletters and read many blogs but most, if not all, that are written on the subject of marriage are immediately deleted by me because my own marriage ended and most cause pain and feelings of blame and condemnation. I was married for a few months shy of 25 years. I walked out the weekend of our 23 anniversary in sheer desperation to get out of the constant crisis and abuse with hopes that a separation would give us a reprieve from the daily, constant battles so we could each focus on our own issues. After that many years of living in an awful marriage, you become so tangled that it’s hard to make sense of anything. It was my hope that taking a year to focus on each of our own issues, we could reunite. However, that was not the case. I continued in weekly therapy and my ex-husband chose otherwise. He made choices that shocked me. He suffers from mental illness and not only did he make very bad choices, medically, in his mental illness, EVERYTHING he viewed really wasn’t reality so I was always fighting with an unseen force that made no sense. After desperately trying counseling for years and years and many different therapists, and then year separation, he still only blamed me for everything and continues to shame me for divorcing him using God as his weapon to confront my “sin”. He has turned his back on church and everyone in our church community that tried so hard to walk through things with him. Our children are caught in an ongoing battle. It’s horrible. But, God is good and has provided for and protected me and my children in incredible ways. Your post is the first I have read that I didn’t feel shamed and condemned for going through with my divorce. Yes, God hates divorce. So do I. But God also hates abuse and I could no longer live in it and didn’t want to raise my children in it either. I, along with many, many brothers and sisters in Christ tried to reach my husband at the time, to woo him to health, hold him accountable, and help work towards the restoration of my marriage. My husband made different choices, blamed me and everyone else, and alienated himself from everyone yet is completely blind in what he chose. He only sees to blame me. Thank you for the way you chose to write your post. You wrote with sensitivity, honesty, and the truth of God’s choice to love enough to give us choice… and that because of sin, many often made different choices forcing others to make choices they never, ever wanted to make in order to live. So I want to thank you, from someone who stands in a place she never desired or imagined she’d be, a single mom struggling to make it but all the while, experiencing God in unimaginable ways. I am so loved and accepted by Him.
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Angie,
I appreciate the time and your courage to share with all of us. I absolutely sense your desire to have things work out differently than they did. I appreciate that you are sharing with others from a place of experience to which I can’t write. There is someone reading this today who will find hope and help because they needed to read your words.
Bless you my sister. Sending you a hug and a thank you for your courage to speak out and to love Jesus. Lynn
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Thanks for tackling such a difficult topic, Lynn. I think women need to understand that “the big three” are caused by deep seated issues that were probably present long before the marriage began. A wife needs to realize she is not the cause of her husband’s bad behavior. Getting professional help is the only solution, and to keep looking, knocking, and seeking until appropriate help has been found. My heart breaks for women who sit and do nothing… and suffer alone in silence.
Blessings, e-Mom @ Chrysalis
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E-mom, you are so right. Thank you for adding your wisdom here. I pray that God will take your words to the women who need to know it’s not their fault. Praying along with you. Hugging you. Lynn
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I feel that this was written for me. It is what I needed to hear today at this time. I have been with my alcoholic husband for 20 years. He has periods of rage also. I have always been the calm one willing to wait out each storm as I am loath to see the marriage fail. I retired early one year ago and we moved to another state and have our dream home and dream life in every other way but our relationship. Things escalated and I left 5 days ago as a trial separation and am living nearby in a furnished cottage. Obviously the doubt of whether I have done the right thing is creeping in. I have fantasies of him realizing his role in things but as most persons with this behaviour do he tends to twist things around and blame me and not see that there is anything wrong with his behaviour. He has not yet admitted that he is alcoholic. He has not yet asked where I am staying. I am praying daily for strength and healing for both of us and the marriage as I do not want divorce but I cannot go on as things are. Thank you for speaking to me through this article this morning.
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Oh Carol,
My heart just breaks over your situation and your husband, marriage. I am so moved to pray for you. I am asking for healing and restoration. I also appreciate your courage to share the steps you have taken. You likely helped one other woman in this place gather the courage she needed to find help.
Love you my sister. Asking our Great God to prove Himself in your husband’s life. Hugs, Lynn
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My prodigal husband left me 2/09 in a midlife crisis, the granddaddy of all depressions after 33 yrs of marriage.He didn’t like our life, he wasn’t happy, he felt tied down by me and our two special needs daughters. He wanted to be free from our difficult life circumstances .I initially challenged his behaviors, got depressed myself and ill.That first year was so difficult. I was in an abyss.I sought help from the Lord and professionals.Sisters in Christ prayed for me and my family. He divorced me last summer. His life is not any better.(I think he is realizing it) The past year I have developped a deeper relationship with the Father. I pray daily for my prodigal spouse to find his way back to God, family and marriage . I pray to be strong, courageous, patient and to follow His will for me and my daughters.
I try to look only in the present. Looking at the past and the future just doesn’t help me. I surrender myself and him( spouse) daily. I believe He is doing something in me and through me . I read your blog daily. The material on your resource page has been so comforting. It puts words to my feelings
thank you and blessings
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HI Michelle,
I come from a home where my dad went through mid-life crisis. It devastated our family and I can feel again so much of the pain in your words. I likely understand more than you know the feeling of “lost.” I know my mother carried an enormous burden. Her faith also sustained her. My sister, I am also praying for you as well. I find your words about your husband not being happy to be what was true on our house.
Jesus can and will walk you through and I am thanking you for being willing to share your vulnerable heart with us. I pray it encourages others as well to surrender daily to Jesus. Hugging you tight. Lynn
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I have dealt with all three of these issues to some extent with my unbelieving husband. He knows he needs to deal with the drinking and rage and is sincerely sorry for the pain they have caused me. But he doesn’t think porn is wrong and thinks I need to just accept it. He says it’s ridiculous for me to feel hurt by this. In fact, we have had fights because I refused to view it with him. I know I was right to put down my foot and refuse to participate, but what do I do about what he does on his own? What is an unequally yoked wife’s responsibility in areas where her husband really doesn’t recognize that something is sin? I feel like it’s a form of cheating; he thinks it’s fine because he’s not actually having sex with someone else.
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Hi My friend,
I want to reach through the computer screen an hug your neck. You are indeed, dealing with a lot. It is difficult to navigate these issues in a spiritual mismatch. You are right that our view of pornography and the societal view are vastly different. I want to affirm that pornography is bringing a third person into the marriage through images. Even though there isn’t physical touching, this is outside what God wants in an intimate, loving and trusting relationship.
It is difficult to convince men who don’t believe that they sin against you and against God. We can only pray and ask God to move on our spouse to show him his sin. You, also however, can and should insist that you will not participate. And that is okay. Intimacy and sex should be a mutual and respectful part of marriage. Keep your boundaries. Share your reasons. Do your own research about the subject so you can give an answer to why you believe what you believe. Never give up hope God can change a man. He can.
I’m praying for you right now. God sees your heart, your pain. cling to Him.Hugs, Lynn
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I so relate to all these ladies. I have been married for 30 yrs to a man who has had all the addictions: alcohol, smoking, porn and gambling. He has lots of positive trates as well he was able to work for 30 yrs inspite of all this but was fired about 1 1/2 yrs ago as his life style was catching up with him. In the last 4 mths his health has gone down hill he is now legally blind from his addictions. He is not a christain and does not have any intension of becoming one. I was challaged by the Doctors to remove all the alchol from the home last time he was in the hospital, which I did & so far so good. I have raised 3 son’s going to church in spite of the unbelieving husband they a all christains I have prayedover the years that these addictions would not fall down to the children, praise God the root has been cut down my boy’s are free from all these addictions and are serving God. Life goes on God is my strength & it has not been easy. I have great friends & a great job & great health for this I thank God everyday. (sorry for errors this does not allow me to go back & fix without starting over)
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Elizabeth,
I can’t tell you how you inspire me. To read about your boys that you have raised to stay away from these issues, just fills me and so many others with hope. I am also heartbroken over all the pain you have lived with. Thank you for pointing to our Lord.
And thank you for your courage to share your life with me. Hugging you neck, Lynn
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To all the women who have stopped her to read, share their lives about these issues, my heart is filled with thanks and I have prayed for you.
I know there are many who stopped in and didn’t leave a comment or who sent me a private email. I want you to know that our Lord sees your pain and He is desperate to reach out to you. You may have landed on this very page as an answer to your prayers.
If you are a woman who finds herself in a place of danger, I implore you to hear the truth, God does not want you to live in this place. There is help.
It takes courage, more than you think you have but God will pick you up and help you. You just need to take the first step. And there are practical steps you can follow to find help, protection and a way to safety.
Start here: Domestic Violence Help. They have a check list and a plan for your safety.
http://www.focusministries1.org/safety_plan.asp
All of us at the Cafe have great concern for those of you who are living in fear and we pray with an earnest and heavy heart that God will give you courage and set you on a path to safety, health and freedom in Jesus. We love you, Lynn and the Cafe Team.
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I too Angie left my husband July of 2010. I lived various places hoping he would see and understand how I was making the sacrifices in trying to fix our marriage. I left him. That is all he can see. I finally got my own apartment June 1st.
When I left he threw his hands in the air and gave up. It’s been 18 months, 3 weeks and 3 days and I still cannot bring myself to divorce him. We have three amazing grown children who are heart broken by our separation but who are always trying to be understanding and supportive to us both. The difficult part for me is that I cannot understand why I am not worth it to my husband. He doesn’t believe he has a problem with alcohol. His drinking led to porn and his angry outbursts (It’s a crazy story~crept into our marriage like a cancer). His personality is different when he drinks. I know that I have to be sure and look at the log in my own eye through all of this; but he hasn’t even admitted he might have a splinter! I am taking a stand for the first time in my life and it so difficult. Yet God reminds me that I am Worth It. That I am HIS child and he cherishes me.
I still believe my husband will wake up one day and God will bless us two-fold. In the meanwhile I need to figure out how to carry on and be happy. God doesn’t want me to sit here in my self pity. He has something great in store for me. But I’ll never know what that is unless I begin right now. One foot in front of the other… Thank you for this encouragement.
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HI Sally,
My friend, thank you for your courage to share your pain and your journey. Indeed God doesn’t want you to sit in your self pity and I KNOW He has something great in store for you. You started this journey out of a giant heart of love and absolutely believe God will honor every step. He can bring healing and restoration. I will pray for you and for your husband to find healing. I’m so inspired by our courage. Love and hugs, Lynn
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This is my first time on your website after hearing you ladies on Focus on the Family 3/27/12. It was so encouraging to see your deep Faith and Devotion to your mismatch marriage. It’s so hard. I just married the man a year ago that I was so devoted to for 14yrs in living together with our own daughter who is 10yrs old. I have a son from a previous relationship that my husband now, fathered for 14yrs. We are a mismatch marriage and he has porn addiction and most recently found out he was having a emotional involvement with someone right before getting married. thinking that things would change after the marriage, it got worse. He said he felt trapped and actually told the kids we’re getting separate because we don’t get along. He told me that I changed after turning Christian which I did but battle with doing good choices for the family but didn’t give regards to my live in boyfriend,now husband. The matter is there is much lies in this relationship that he doesn’t see it. I have to go to his facebook and phone to see it. Now, months later I think this relationship he was involved with is not turning out the way he wanted and now has been more involve with the family. He doesn’t stay out late anymore, he is buying food for home again and most recently brought a kitten home. He seems he wants to work things out but I need to change he says. I think he just wants to brush things under the carpet and not talk about certain things but I can’t. How are things going to be resolve in this matter. I told him we will go back to counseling and he is willing. pray for the right counseling and clarity for this marriage. I’m in between separation and divorce to my prayers. I’m confused. I enjoyed your encouragement for women I think I have deeper issues. Thank you for your ministry.
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Diana,
I’m so glad you shared your heart and struggle with me. I absolutely see your pain and understand why you may be questioning. I think you are on the right track.
See a Christian counselor because the core of all good relationships, especially marriage, is trust. That must be in place for freedom and love to thrive.
If you husband won’t attend counseling, you need to go. You need clarity and some outside perspective on what is happening in your home. Also counselors can help you navigate changes or instituting healthy boundaries in marriage.
Please know I am praying fo ryou my friend. Press into Jesus and lean on Him with all you have. He will walk you though this. Love you, Lynn
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