Respecting Your Husband’s Cave AND Last Week’s Giveaway Winner!

I confessed on my personal blog I was going through a lonely season. Whether it was for personal growth or symbolic of the dreary winter season I struggled for companionship. One of the people I especially longed to connect with was my husband. Unfortunately at the same time he was going through a season as well.

He’s a programmer and a team leader with a lot of responsibilities during the day. It’s a job he loves but there are times when he comes home he needs to decompress. When he does, he enters the cave. What’s a cave? If you’re married, most likely you already know. Not a literal cave, it’s a place separate from wives where husbands crave and seek their quiet time. It might be a den, a rec room, the bedroom or a corner of the house.

When we first married I panicked when I learned about the cave. My fear was my husband would never leave. When he goes to the man cave he has a television and Sports Center and I’m not sure I can compete with that.  Truth is, during cave times, I can’t. I also don’t think I’m supposed to.

It sounds odd but to truly experience oneness there are times wives need to respect the husband’s cave.

Cave time for men is a time for them to get away from the pressures of the world. The book Men are Like Waffles Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel showed me that men are folder thinkers. They deal with life one folder at a time.

The cave is a folder and they have to take that folder out sometimes. It’s how God created men.

One of the sub folders of the cave is nothing. Husbands literally think about nothing. When that is how they answer us, it’s literal. The cave gives husbands time to think about nothing.

Cave time also gives husbands space to think.  Often my husband emerges from a cave with a perspective from work, church or even our marriage that he didn’t possess before the cave.  If we panic and insist he share with us chances are he’s going to shut down.  Let’s respect them by allowing them to process things without us.  I’m going on 15 years of marriage and every time my husband had a cave time, he emerged ready to share.

His cave time feels lonely for us but it’s under normal circumstances a way God made him and a place he can decompress.

Will you support your husband by praying for his renewing of strength?

Lord, I don’t always understand my husband’s need to retreat to a cave. I admit I’d rather he talk and spend time with me. I’m learning you made him to crave time alone.  I ask when he has cave time it be a time you two enjoy where You renew His strength and give him wisdom for the days ahead. Help me not fear or resent the cave time. Thank You for taking care of both of us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Surrendering the good, the bad, and—maybe one day—the chocolate

Congratulations to Stephanie Hancock, winner of last week’s book giveaway – “Winning Him Without Words!”  I’ve emailed you privately for your mailing address.

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  1. What a great reminder. Thank, Julie. That alone time is so important to them (and don’t YOU wish you could think about nothing? MAN!)

  2. Jo, I know, when we were first married and I answered with nothing to his question of what are you thinking about it meant I only had 10 things on my mind instead of 15! Thanks for reading, you are a great encourager.

  3. Nice Julie. It is true – sometimes after a hard day a man just needs to think about nothing. The other day I was watching Larry the Cable Guy and just hooting at his zaniness – and thinking of nothing – and I needed that.

  4. Oh Julie…that is so dead on! My husband is not only a man…he is an introvert too…this means double cave time! I have learned to embrace this time and appreciate that it is what he needs to live with me…the ultimate extrovert woman! 🙂


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