Marriage Q & A ~ Advice I Wish I’d Been Given BEFORE I Got Married – Part 1

The path to oneness is strewn with fragrant rose petals just like the ones the flower girl drops in abundance right before you walk down the aisle, right?  Maybe during those first couple of years, months, okay, days.  It doesn’t take long before the petals start falling off the rose and all that’s left are the thorns.

Before I got married, all I heard from girlfriends that got married before me was how wonderful marriage was.  They were blissfully enjoying oneness – or so they said, until over the course of 5 – 10 years many of those giddy girlfriends found themselves divorced. Sadly, even Christian marriages average over 50% ending in divorce.

It’s only by the grace of God my husband and I didn’t join the ranks. Lord knows I didn’t have a healthy example to follow growing up in a home ravaged by domestic violence.  My poor husband had no idea what he had just agreed to in our marriage covenant because I never talked about it.  He knew very little about my past.  I kept it tucked away in the recesses of my mind, sworn to secrecy and vowed I would NEVER be like my parents.  I didn’t realize that the very things I hated about my parents failed marriage were fast becoming the pebbles, stones, boulders that we were having to climb over as we tried to figure out this marriage thing on our own.

Advice I Wish I’d Been Given BEFORE I Got Married

Our wedding kiss, April 8, 1974.

It’s been 36 years and almost 5 months since Mike and I sealed our marriage covenant with a kiss.  We weren’t prepared for solving the problems that arose.  Over the years we’ve sought out Godly counsel to work through problems in our marriage and now we find ourselves giving pre-marital and marital advice.

Between personal experience, talking with other couples and questions I’ve received from readers, I’ve found the 4 areas that need to be dealt with before we get married, or as quickly as possible after marriage are:

~ Money and Debt

~ Family Issues

~ Bad Habits & Personal Maturity

~ Past Relationships and Sexual Sins

Problem Solving Tips

This week I thought I would begin our series with problem solving tips.  Anytime there are tough issues to discuss like the 4 areas we’ll be addressing over the next couple of months, it’s good to start learning how to work through the problems without it escalating out of control.

1. First take the log out of your own eye.  Matthew 7:1-5 Always be sure to start with examining yourself first  regardless of whether or not the other person is more at fault.  You shouldn’t point out what is wrong with someone else until you have pointed out what is wrong with you or how you have contributed to the problem.
2. Confess your sins to one another. Be sincere. Avoid if, but, and maybe.  These qualifiers take responsibility off you and undercut your confession and the discussion.  Be specific with what was wrong and sinful in your attitudes and actions.
3. Grant forgiveness to one another.  Forgiveness is a promise that you are not going to remember the offender’s sin against him anymore.  You are promising that you will not bring it up to yourself, the offender, or to someone else.  by doing this you are imitating your heavenly Father, who promised not to remember your sins against you when you repented of your sin.  Isaiah 43:25, Jeremiah 31:34, Ephesians 4:32-5:1
4. Define your problem Biblically and be sure to seek out a Biblical solution.
5. Be sure to take steps to implement the solution. SMART is an acronym used in the business word that stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-bound.  I use this in my personal life as well when I’m looking to implement a workable solution to a problem.  I make sure there are specific steps, they are measurable, achievable, realistic and have time limit on when I want to achieve the outcome.
6. Make sure that through this process that your husband takes the initiative to lead and that you are resolved to participate through out the process and not back down when there’s confrontation.
7. Be sure to LISTEN to one another.
8. Above all, be humble before the Lord and each other.  Pride is a destructive and has destroyed many people. (James 4:6)

Join me back here at the Cafe on Monday, September 13th for advice on money and debt. If you have any questions on the 4 topics we’ll be covering, please email me at qanda@internetcafedevotions.com .  I can either email you privately or refer to your question anonymously in a post.

Have a blessed week as we seek to bring Him glory in our marriages.

href="http://www.marshasmusings.com/">

Marsha Harwood

More Posts