My husband confessed his a heap of sin that devastated my world in an instant.
Most victims would blame and curse and scream and have some sort of childish tantrum. And I guess I did some of that but it was mostly on the inside. Not that it wouldn’t have been perfectly understandable for me to have acted in such a way, but it just isn’t me. I’ve never been the woe is me person nor have I acted that I have a pitiful existence on this earth.
Cuz I don’t, y’all.
Even in the midst of hearing things come from your husband’s mouth I still knew that God loved me. I didn’t quite understand why this course of events had to enter my pathway in life, but nonetheless, I still trusted God. Still do today.
So one might find it incredibly odd that after a period of weeks I began to examine the Inner Cindy to see how she might have played a role in all of this mess that was now my new normal. Not for a second did I think it was my fault that my husband was unfaithful.
Because he wouldn’t let me.
That husband of mine took full responsibility, and rightly so, for acting in such unbecoming ways toward me, toward our marriage, toward our God. That alone deserves a medal because very few of the fallen do such a thing.
But that’s just my opinion. What do I know?
What I found in the Inner Cindy is that she influenced the Outer Cindy tremendously. What I mean is that the characteristics that made up the inner me were exhibited to those around me on a daily basis. I wore insecurity on myself like a winter coat.
Even in the summer.
I enabled things to happen and rarely, if ever, stood up for righteousness in my marriage. I never wanted to appear to be out of control or needy to those around me. I took a route that cowards do on more occasions than I can remember. I didn’t like how the Inner Cindy made the Outer Cindy act.
I don’t think I was a fake, by any means, but just a scared little girl inside a grown woman’s body doing all she knew to do with the insecurities she hadn’t yet pushed through.
But today? Today, y’all, I have pushed through those things that made the Inner Cindy act so full of fear and dissatisfaction. The great thing now is that the Inner Cindy is healthy and full of peace and joy and hope and faith and confidence in who she is as a child of the King of Kings.
I guess you could say that now, when one sees the Outer Cindy, it’s the Inner Cindy shining through.
Just thinking out loud.
Cindy, I really admire your strength and your determination to look at the facts first- God loves u and u love Him and then the issues second. That is so hard to do when u are faced with huge dispair. I admire that you made a decision not to get into self pity & victim mode (I find it so easy to do when u r “in the right”) but ultimately it accomplishes nothing & ends up muddying the waters.
I think you are incredibly brave and thank you for sharing your story and encouraging those of us that are in a pit of despair, loneliness & fear that the starting point is God and what we know about Him and then to move under His stregnth to where ever He leads us.
love Carolyn
Amen.
This post really spoke to me…although my situation is not exactly as yours, the “inner” and “outer” references are so much like what I have felt at times…thank you for blessing me today!
Thanks for sharing everyone!