My first “real” boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer two years into our relationship. It was a hard-fought year of surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation and sadness. It was a heart-breaking year of loss, let down and bittersweet love.
I remember–months after his hair had fallen out, months after his first chemo treatment, months after he lost all his body weight, months after I first locked eyes with a 5 year old hooked up to machines just to stay alive, months after our lives were rocked for the worst — going out to dinner for the first time.
We went to our favorite restaurant, all dressed up.
He was wearing a hat because he had lost all of his hair and as we waited for our food to arrive, a mother sitting a few tables away began to make a fuss over John’s rude hat wearing skills at our dinner table.
She hemmed and hawed and yelled across the restaurant that her sons would NEVER wear their hats in public –in a fancy restaurant at that — while others were eating. It was a mannerless act better suited for McDonald’s than the Inn we sat in.
She didn’t know John knew the owner of the restaurant personally.
She didn’t know that this was our first outing since his diagnosis.
She didn’t know that we had to wait for weeks for the doctors to okay this date.
She didn’t know that his life was upside down.
She didn’t know what he was living through, what we were witnessing on a daily basis, how sick he really was.
You see, she only knew what she judged.
She didn’t know what was underneath.
We left that restaurant as quickly as possible, so as not to start a commotion. As we walked past her table, her boys staring at John’s hat, it took everything in me not to tell her off, honestly.
John, embarrassed beyond belief, stopped at her table, took off his hat and said, “I sure hope your boys never have to wear their hats in public, Ma’am. Especially if it is to cover up their cancer.”
Her eyes popped open, her face turned red and she stammered an un-intelligible sentence.
I was so letdown that day.
Letdown we are capable of such ignorant ugliness.
I’ve made it a point since then to ask myself: do I see what is underneath? Do I notice those around me and treat them as creations of God? Or do I judge them by their outward appearance, instantly writing them off?
1 Samuel 16:7 says, “But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
I wonder today: is it the heart you and I have been looking at?
Walk out a radical faith today and follow our Father’s lead.
The woman collecting cans, she is loved by Him.
The teenager with baggy pants, God knows his name.
The store clerk who messes up your order, God holds her desires in the palm of His hand.
What will we do today?
I pray we embrace the heart and do the God thing.
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Kristen Schiffman writes at Exemplify Magazine. She welcomes you to check it out today!
Kristen…great post! I constantly try and remind myself that God loves the next person just as much as He loves me. Thank you for instilling this point again…to judge not, but love well!
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What a perfect and heart wrenching example of judging by appearances! This was a post that hits right in the heart. We all need to remember that there’s always a story behind the person’s outward appearance, whether it appears good or distasteful to us. God loves each one and He is El Roi. Only He knows and sees all that’s going on in their life. We need to learn from that.
What a powerful lesson! Thank you Kristen for sharing this one.
Hugs to you,
Debbie
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Thanks for sharing this story. God has been showing me how I have been judging in this way. He is breaking me and teaching me to see others as He sees them. I love your example: He knows the name of the teenager in baggy jeans. Thanks again!
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This is profound. Obvious and still so profound. What would life be if we took Jesus by the hand and brought Him into every moment? Beautifully written..I mean, I was right there and getting mad and embarrassed and outraged all at once…let down. Such a good word, sister!
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Kristen, once again, you have rocked me to my core with this post. God has given you the gift of incredible insight even into the small details. Thank you for sharing your heart!
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Such a good word! Thanks for sharing.
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this is a great reminder to all of us! i love this … an awesome example of the grace we’ve been given, and in turn need to give to others.
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Beautiful! We could really change the world, if we would see them as God sees them. Thank you for that great reminder today!
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I love this post, Kristen. And needed it’s reminder. It is way too easy to judge by appearances.
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Thanks for a great post. We have often dealt with intolerence ourselves because of our son who has autism. That’s actually one of the main reasons we stopped bothering to attend any church. It was always more hassle than it was worth. But I honestly can’t say I am much better. I sometimes catch myself doing the same thing; judging before I think. That’s a hard one for most people I think. Thanks for the reminder to always try to think before we judge.
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I have tears streaming down my face. I wonder about the rude woman. What did she learn from this? Does she now have a story to tell of how her heart attitudes were changed through this?
Wonderful post, Kristen.
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Such a precious post, bless you.
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Beautiful post. That is one of my pet peeves, judging. I attended a church at one time that was so bad about judging people by how they were dressed, and it just really bothered me. Thanks for reminding us!
until next time… nel
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What a blessing! I’m just going to be honest here…sometimes I get devotions in my emails and just delete them without reading them. But tonight…I’m go glad that I didn’t. As I was reading I thought of my dear father-in-law when he lost his hair and then my husband’s concern that a few months later that he would lose his hair. We need to be reminded that the kids with “pants on the floor” are kids that need love and are loved (and may or may not know it). That single mom that stayed out drinking until 4 am is loved and God knew that putting her baby in my arms would bless us both. We must always look at the heart…ignore everything else.
Then…what a blessing to see that this devotion was written by dear sweet Kristen…thank you!
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Kristen – as the wife of a cancer survivor, I understand first hand how you felt. Today as I look around me and see the unmistakable look of someone who is undergoing chemo, my heart goes out to them.
Yet, I too am quick to judge others by their outward appearance. Thank you for this post and I pray that I look upon others as Jesus does.
Blessings,
Joan
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I have an older sister (who is not a Christian) she is so so judgmental, making rude remarks even sometimes loudly over peoples weight, looks, what they were.. she has no empathy for anybody, even when she went through breast cancer it appears she learned nothing.
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Another good word for my morning.
Your life, sister friend, has been rich with experience; some less than desirable, but nonetheless yours to hold, to bend to, to be taught with.
Thank you for holding them, bending to them, learning from them, so that we might as well.
peace~elaine
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Thank you. I needed this today , I really did , it is my balm this morn.
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Can barely see through the tears. We all are too quick to sum up a situation based on our own opinions. I pray my heart becomes so softened to God’s children that I can see them as He sees them, that includes myself too. Thanks for sharing.
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This was such a lesson to me. I wonder what I can do to improve in this area of judging by externals (like what people wear). Perhaps I can start looking people in the eye, and then I’ll see better what’s inside rather than being distracted by the outside.
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Kristin,
Well done. I’m afraid I’m guilty of making snap judgments at times. It’s so shameful. We never know what a person is walking through at any particular moment. Thanks for sharing such a well-written and powerful story.
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Oh my…what a stirring post. I am so sorry for what you and your boyfriend had to endure.
Your story reminds me of the times I have told my children not to judge those who park in handicapped places and walk, supposedly “healthy” to the store. We never know what might be wrong with them, whether it be a weak heart, half-functioning lungs, or even, as you mentioned, cancer.
Thank you for a poignant post.
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Since I read this the first time on your blog long ago it has stuck with me. And it continues to stay there. A reminder to never just look and judge but to really look and see with compassion.
Your life is a beautiful tapestry in which God weaves inspiring writing and creativeness into an awe inspiring design.
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Ladies,
I cannot tell you what each of these comments means to me! Clearly, the Lord is doing something here. I pray we respond to His call to look deeper, embracing the heart.
My love to each of you!
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Kristen,
This is such an incredible story and so very convicting. Too often I make quick judgements based on what I see, not what I know. It breaks my heart to read this clear example of how wrong I am. God looks at the heart – not the outside. I pray that I may learn to do the same. Thank you so much for sharing this…
Lauren
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Very touching! Your insight from the Lord will stay with me and I hope others will change their ways and attitudes when they engross themselves in the scriputure and daily devotionals here. I’m so happy I found this website today!!
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